We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
