Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.