the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"