i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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