I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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