Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
