I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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