Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
