he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
how drunk are you?
Several
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
