Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
