toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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