Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
