went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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