I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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