I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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