wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
How naked do you want me to be?
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