I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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