are you so shy because you have an std?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
