Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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