she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
