Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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