So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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