i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
