I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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