drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
