Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
