Sponge bath it is.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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