Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
