last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
