I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
