Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
