dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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