my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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