You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
