Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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