When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
