grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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