Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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