It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
