No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
