He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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