OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Some Animals Are Total Jerks (10+ pics)
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.