Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."