i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
