i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
