speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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