I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
