The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
