My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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