Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
