Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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