1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
