remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
