Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
