Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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