i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
