I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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