In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
