theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
