What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
