oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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