evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Randomize
