I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
