Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Who did Billy Mays play for?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
